1. Don't you dare stop at just one measly pint of ice cream. By limiting yourself to simply one pint (or gallon if you really believe in yourself) of ice cream, you're telling yourself that you are not single enough to truly indulge. This is YOUR day! Valentine's Day is a commercialized special celebration of materializing love, and you need not omit yourself from the group. In the words of Justin Bieber, "Love yourself."
2. Openly express your single-hood on all social media platforms. Those part of a couple have the privilege of picture vomiting their utopian relationship all over Facebook, Instagram, Tinder (wait), so should you be expected to simply endure? NO. Now is the time to step forward and make your statement(s). Post pictures of yourself eating excessive amounts of food (alone) from multiple angles, and include passive aggressive captions that state how much you loooovee Single Awareness Day! Publish Facebook statuses throughout the day of articles referencing the empty life you live as a single person, and remark on how it lowers your quality of life. Exploit the couples; establish your dominance.
*Disclaimer: people still totally think its funny when you refer to Valentine's Day as its obvious opposite, Single Awareness Day. So funny. It seriously never gets old. It's always so hilarious.)
3. Watch movies like "The Other Woman" and "She's The Man". You have to understand that your life is almost like, if not exactly like, the characters in the movie played by famous celebrities. Allow yourself to feel empowered by the made up story line and unrealistic scenarios. So WHAT if you don't go out afterwards and sabotage the relationship you never had? YOU AND CAMERON DIAZ ARE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON. Watching these movies creates a thicker fog over your feelings so that when you really are confronted with Netflix, ice cream, and the crushing weight of red roses you're not receiving, you can continue to reassure yourself that you want nothing more than to watch re-runs of New Girl. (After you've finished the above movies, two sleeves of Chips Ahoy and heaven forbid if you've moved from bed.)
4. Don't let the fact that you're the only gal in your group of girls without a soulmate get you down. It's no big deal. Stop thinking about the fact that its just you. Alone. Without a boyfriend. Maybe forever. Girls only hang out with other girls on Valentine's Day in stock photos. The day will mean more to you when you can contemplate being single (over and over and over and over again) on your own. This way, you don't have anyone nagging you, saying you "shouldn't post another Instagram photo within 3 minutes of the last one" (pleeez) that matches the last 27. Honestly, everyone needs to know that you're still in bed, still eating junk food, still single, but definitely not still on season 5 of Grey's Anatomy because OBVIOUSLY you finished that one 4 hours ago. You're declining followers want to know! They want to stay informed! That's why they followed you in the first place! TELL THEM AND TELL THEM REPEATEDLY AND NEVER STOP.
5. Understand you are musically talented. Even if it's just for a day. When you are single and it's Valentine's Day, you gain an elite knowledge of music and if you were tone deaf before, you're not today! It's magic! You suddenly possess the uncanny ability to compose powerfully depressing songs that reference the years past in which you've learned so much about average self confidence and crying. Rhyme words like "mad" and "sad" and you'll go to sleep that night one step ahead of everyone else. These simple minded couples consider themselves "lucky", but you're the one who's just taken a giant step forward into a blossoming musical career.
Happy Valentine's Day
-m
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